Seeking God's Presence

My sister began chemotherapy yesterday. She will be treated with six, three-hour sessions of chemo given through a porta cath, one session about every 21 days. Afterwards, she will begin six weeks of radiation treatments on two tumors found on the left breast, and on the new 'hot spot' found through a scan of the area surrounding her right breast, a portion not removed by the masectomy. It seems harsh to have undergone the violence of a masectomy and then have spots show up on the breast tissue not removed, which could be cancerous.
My first reaction, not spoken to my sister, was she must have had an incompetent surgeon. But, on further reading of others' experiences, I am learning that cancer behaves this way. The surgeon isn't the culprit. Cancer is the enemy. While her body is pumped full of poison to kill cancer cells, I am seeking spiritual tools to combat our mutual enemy (cancer is only one of his weapons) through a book that teaches about prayer, "Prayer, Finding the Heart's True Home" by Richard J. Foster.
Perhaps 'combat' isn't the correct word for prayer. After spending time with God, I don't feel combative at all. I feel comforted. I came away from time spent with Him feeling that He is in control and that nothing happens to a child of God without it first being filtered through Him. Even cancer.
I found this statement by Thomas Merton, in the chapter about Contemplative prayer comforting: 'The message of hope the contemplative (prayer) offers you is not that you need to find your way through the jungle of language and problems that today surround (the task of seeking) God: but that....God loves you, is present in you, lives in you, dwells in you, calls you, saves you, and offers you an understanding and light which are nothing you ever found in books or heard in sermons.'
I need to feel His Real Presence. Thankfully, He said that when we 'seek him with our whole heart, he will be found.'

Praying the Prayer of Relinquishment

Teresa had a masectomy. Her surgeon and a pathologist completed a biopsy of breast tissue and cervical tissue. They removed several polyps by D and C, which were clear of cancer. However, they found cancer in the breast and removed it along with lymp nodes.
Teresa is in good spirits. She placed herself in God's hands through this whole period of worry and waiting, and she is grateful that the cancer seems to have been contained to just the breast, at least as far as we now know.
Her friend, Cathy, has stayed by her side reading to her, bringing her French fries along with a care bag. I am thankful for Cathy. We are hoping to make arrangements for me to go be with her for the first week after she leaves the hospital.
Her medical bills will be prohibitive for her, considering that she is on disability Social Security as it is. Medicare pays 80 percent, but that leaves 20 percent for her....She was barely getting by before this.
I have to keep putting these worries back into God's hands. He provides the seed for the sower. . . He has seed for my sister.
Today His message for me is "Be still and know that I am God." How wonderfully comforting that is. I meditated on the verse, saying it over and over to myself. Each time a new 'distraction' (worry) popped into my head, I placed that worry into God's hands. It felt so wonderful to feel His presence. Many things are too big for me to handle, but nothing is too big for God.
He taught me a lot today--the day I truly sought His presence: I have to let go--of demanding love and fairness, not just for myself but for those I love, also. I have to cease judging the hearts of others--Everyone else is God's business, not mine. How releasing that is to know that I don't have to play the 'fairness cop' in my family. I am responsible only for my own relationship within the family, not for anyone else's.
As for my sister, she belongs to God. She is God's business. Her cancer is God's business. Her relationships are God's business. It is only my business that I love her. God provides the seed for the sower. He will supply me with everything that I need in order to love her. That is all that I am responsible for. Relinquishment. How freeing that is.
I have to find that Catherine Marshall book, I remember her chapters on the different types of prayer, and the prayer of relinquishment was one. I remember the first time I prayed the prayer of relinquishment. I was in my teens and had applied for a job in Atlanta. But, it was given to someone else. I had wanted it very badly, but I relinquished it to God. The next day the manager called to say the woman told him the seat at her station was too hard, and she quit. She obviously hadn't needed the job. It seemed the whole episode had been orchestrated by God to teach me to 'relinquish' the desires of my heart to Him. Well, it was a first step. There have been many, far more serious things to relinquish to Him over the last thirty years. . . , the lives of my parents, the life of a small baby girl, the births and lives of my children. . . , so many things and now Teresa. I feel peaceful about what the future holds for us, for my family.

Checking for Breast Cancer Now.

Teresa had an appointment this morning with the surgeon, who was the doc who operated on my grandmother for cancer in 1969. Dr. Walker believes Teresa has pelvic fibroid tumors-- which will be taken care of later. The more pressing issue is the lump (s) found on her breast. He thinks it could be cancer. He is putting her in the hospital tomorrow morning for a biopsy, but he said if it looks cancerous, then he will surgically remove it (it= the breast or just the tumor?) She said that the surgeon doesn't think she will need to have a complete mastectomy.
Treatment: Assessing the Options (PDR Health) Click the heading to read more at PDR Health.
Prompt treatment is essential. Without surgery, radiation, or chemotherapy, a woman who has breast cancer will almost surely die. Fortunately, the chances for long-term survival—and cure—are excellent if the cancer is caught early enough.
Once the physician has determined the type of breast cancer, the size and location of the primary tumor, and the extent of the disease, it's time to discuss the various treatment options. The doctor will recommend the course of treatment that he or she believes will provide the best results with the fewest disabling side effects.
The goal of the therapy is to prevent the spread of cancer if the disease is confined to the breast and to minimize the possibility of a recurrence of cancer in the future. For women whose cancer has already spread, the physician will develop a treatment plan that eases any pain or other symptoms. This is called palliative therapy.
Partial or total mastectomy (surgical removal of the breast) offer a good chance of a cure for Stage I and II breast cancers. Surgery may also be successful for some Stage III cancers if they have not invaded other parts of the body. Women with Stage IV breast cancer receive palliative treatment.

Good News

Teresa's OB/GYN thinks that the masses in her uterus may be only fibroid tumors. He referred her to a general surgeon to check out the lumps found by her mammogram. He said after that is taken care of he will address the tumors in the pelvic area. We are both very relieved. Perhaps life can return to normal.

Weathering the Squalls

Today while cleaning house, I logged on-line to hear Jill Briscoe's messages at Welcome to Telling the Truth. I first heard Jill at Anne Graham Lotz "Just Give me Jesus" seminars in Kansas City. I love listening to both of them, but especially to Jill teach about 'prayer.'
This morning she spoke about Weathering the Squalls--life's difficult events--and how suddenly 'squalls' came upon the disciples and Jesus while they were out in the boat, always at inopportune times. These weren't gathering storms whose tell-tale signs were seen in dark, distant skies streaked with lightening, giving fair warning of coming trouble--the squalls came suddenly, terrifyingly and without warning: Just the way cancer comes into one's life. This is my sister's squall, but I am in that boat beside her, buffeted by its winds.
Jill said the squalls in in our lives are trials, meant to grow our faith in God. I think I was camping in a small, overcast valley of my own, even before my sister's news. There were dark shadows in the corner of my sky, a few streaks of lightening flashing close by, news of job and career concerns for people close to me and worry for my fifteen-year-old son's future. He is beautiful and gentle, extremely intelligent and has ADD. I've felt a general malaise settle over me in the past few weeks since summer's end and the beginning of school--bringing with it stressful evenings filled with home work supervision and Edline reports. Of course, Teresa's medical news put things back into perspective. I am in desperate need of finding God's face and His comforting, protective presence. I found Brother Andrew's "Practicing the Presence" listed as a classic Christian must-read offered at Renovare, a website dedicated to spiritual renewal. I read his book as a teenager--my mother bought it and I read everything she read. I want to read it again, along with Catherine Marshall's book, also titled Practicing the Presence of God. I need to feel His real Presence.
Today during devotions I read,
"I wonder what finger and thumb God has been using to squeeze you? Have you been as hard as a marble and escaped? If you are not ripe yet, and if God had squeezed you anyway, the wine produced would have been remarkably bitter." Oswald Chambers, "My Utmost for His Highest," Sep. 30th entry. We are to be wine given to nourish the spiritual growth of our brothers and sisters in Christ.
I think the finger God is using is that of my concern for my son's academic problems and worry over what lies ahead in his future, and the thumb is my worry over my sister's possible death from cancer. I know that 'worry' is sin. It is actually a lack of faith and trust in God. But, I worry still. And that is because I don't spend time in God's presence. I go to church regularly, but haven't plugged into a women's Bible study group, although, I am in a prayer group. This isn't enough to find God's face: "You will find me when you seek me with all of your heart." I have been half-hearted, just going through the motions.
"We are not made for the mountains, for sunrises, or for the other beautiful attractions in life--those are simply intended to be moments of inspiration. . . We are made for the valley and the ordinary things of life, and that is where we have to prove our stamina and strength."
Character is developed through life's experiences, especially it's trials, when our response is to move us toward God. His purpose is to make us Christ-like. I see glimpses of my sister's character, her courage, as she waits for definitive answers and directions from the medical community: She is making things right with God. She said that last spring, while listening to some TV preacher, she felt convicted to call her ex-husband and ask his forgiveness for her part in the break-up of their marriage. They've been divorced for twenty years. She called, his wife answered the phone and without questioning Teresa, handed the phone to her husband--Teresa's ex-husband. Teresa asked for his forgiveness and Randle forgave her. That was a tremendous step to take, for both of them, but it brought healing and closure to past hurts. Teresa's squall is drawing her closer to the Lord. Following in His footsteps, she is seeking to forgive and be forgiven.

Interesting Facts about Ovarian Cancer

I am hopeful that my sister's possible cancer is really only benign tumors. However, I found this wonderfully educational site at the National Library of Medicine, National Institute of Health, at Medlineplus tutorials, but after reading some information on the tutorials, I am less confident that her condition is benign. She has three of the symptoms listed for ovarian cancer. Click on the title link above to use the tutorials.
Ovarian cancer cannot be detected until symptoms are presenting. Some symptoms of ovarian cancer:
-It spreads to the peritoneum, causing severe abdominal pain and pelvic pain.
-If the nerves passing through the pelvic area are affected by the cancer, the pain may affect legs and feet.
-A reaction to the tumors is abnormal amount of fluid accumulating in the abdomen, called ascites. Ascites may cause significant increase in the size of the abdomen and waistline.
These are the three symptoms which initially sent her to seek medical care. Her doctor, who did not speak English, thought it was kidney stones and treated her for that. It helped, but on Xrays, it seems she still has kidney stones (and infection.) When this non-English speaking doctor began talking about a hysterectomy, I advised her to change doctors. Her friend, Kathy, goes to an FP in town and had tried to get Teresa to switch to him. I suggested that she change docs too. You really need to be able to understand what your doctor tells you without an interpreter! Especially, if your first language is English! She changed docs, took her file with her to his office and he immediately set her up for tests- resulting in the ultrasound showing tumors.
Ovarian cancer most affects women over the age of 35, and most often affects women over age 50.
Risk factors: Women with family members who have had ovarian, brest or colon cancer are a t a higher risk of developing ovarian cancer. Increased risk factors include:
-The use of hormone replacement (hrt) therapy after menopause for many years.
-Exposure to asbestos.
Decrease the risk factors include:
-Use of birth control pills. (Seems to be the opposite of common knowledge back in the 80s and 90s!)
-Having children
-Breast feeding
-Tubal ligation decreases risk of ovarian cancer.
Teresa has tumors/growth mass covering both ovaries, the womb/pelvic area, and even in the vagina. She seems fairly strong, physically, even now. She said she spent yesterday with her friend, Kathy, going to yard sales and even the fair last night. They sat up talking until early morning. She finally got out to talk to her son and his wife today. Her daughter-in-law is a pediatric nurse in town and suggested that Teresa see the OB-GYN who works in their building. She would be able to go with Teresa to the visits and help her understand what the doc says.

Flurry of Information and Mis-information

He said, she said. I talked to my brother, who said Teresa told him today that her FP said he couldn't 'really read the sonogram' and he is sending her to the GYN for a definitive reading. Steve thinks that means 'masses' shown on her ovaries, etc., may not mean 'cancer.' Perhaps we are over-reacting. Sounds good to me.

Not True?

Okay. This can't be true. I must be jumping the gun, here. It was only one little sonogram....only one doc's opinion....when the Gyn guys look at it, they'll tell us what's really up. And, then I'll feel like Jonah, all embarassed at sounding the 'end of time horn' and looking foolish!
That's okay, too. I'll be happy to look foolish when we find out that this was all a mistake!

Her Doctor said It's Cancer

September 30, 2005
My sister, Teresa, called me last night with the results of her pelvic sonogram: Large masses in the uterus, covering both ovaries, even in the vagina (? Not sure what that means.) And a mammogram showed a lump in one breast.
While at her doctor's appointment yesterday, one of her friends, Kathy, happened to drive by and see her car in the parking lot. Kathy told her she felt she should hang around and wait for her to come out of the doc's office--she knew Teresa expected to get the results from her tests. I believe God placed Kathy there because He knew Teresa would need someone to talk to after receiving news that she may have cancer.
Teresa sounded very matter of fact on the phone last night. She is ready to go---her life is right with God, she said. She asked me to pray that He will show her any areas where she needs to seek forgiveness. She also said she misses mom and dad. She wants to go be with them.
I got on-line this morning, researching medical sites about cancer. If her cancer is as spread-out as she said, covering the inside pelvic area--then she may be at stage 2, or greater. My husband, an FP, said from the sound of what she reported to us, it is possibly at stage 4--he commented that having abdominal swelling/bloating isn't a good sign--it means fluid build up. Jeff thinks it could be endocrine (?) cancer: which is agressive and spreads to organs nearby.
Her symptoms--In August she spent about 10 days with my family in Tulsa. She seemed fine. She went home and became sick, so sick she couldn't be up out of bed. Her pelvic area hurt, her legs hurt. The doc thought it might be kidney stones, so they treated her for that and infection...But the infection didn't go away with the first series of meds. Her doctor found a polyp in the cervix and told her it was most likely benign, but they would do a sonogram to make sure. The sonogram came back showing mass(s).
We didn't talk long last night. I was reeling---and trying not to show it. I probably sounded unconcerned, because I tried so hard to not break down and start crying. I had to hang up.
I called my brother, Steve, with the news. He said he would go over to be with her today. She has to tell her son and his wife, and Steve will be there with her when she does that.
This feels so unreal. It just can't be true. She's only 58. We just spent a few weeks together in the summer and had a great time. We went to GRACELAND! She'd always wanted to go to Graceland. My brother and his wife had given me a check for $300 --for Teresa (she is on disability for depression/manic, etc) and we pay for her apartment. We drove by Graceland -- and stopped to spend the day (and stayed at a Graceland hotel with a guitar shaped pool and all night Elvis movies.) She loved it.
I don't know what to do about this cancer stuff. I'd like to deny it, but it's there and after reading about it online---this is going to be bad. I don't want her to suffer, to be in pain. I want her to be able to have reconciliation with her son (he's 35, married with children.) There have been complicating problems due to the manic depression/and other emotional problems. Lots of strained relationships.
Last night I told my husband that I want to go get her and bring her here and have her treated here where I can take care of her. He said he understands how I feel, but our life is complicated with all the things involving 3 children in school, one with ADD. My husband will work out his work schedule to be available at home when the kids are home from school, so that I can go to Alabama to be with her when she has her hysterectomy.
I don't know how to pray about this. I know that God already knows, certainly. I was caught off-guard, but He wasn't. It's interesting how everything boils down to 'self.' Here I'm busy taking stock about how 'I' feel about this, yet, my sister--may be dying. I can not grasp that. Yes, I know what 'death' means: my dad died (of cancer) at age 59-when I was 19 years old, my mom died the year after my second child was born, I lost a baby at 5 months gestation. . . , but this feels new, different. And I feel sorry for myself. Go figure.
(Sorry, I've had to delete option to post comments due to 'spam' posting which began immediately after publishing this to the web.)